[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I am yelling
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion