Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek