a lot to unpack here
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What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.