There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird