It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough