murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My work here is done
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.