I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
This is my pinned tweet
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG