When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him