Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.