During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
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Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.