Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.