The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday