My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed