Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
You Might Also Like
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.