ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
You Might Also Like
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
How I’d get arrested…
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity