It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
You Might Also Like
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Breaking news:
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.