If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Erm…
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk