Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
i like to buy frozen diced onionsâŚgives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
wtf is this choreography đđđ
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Good morning, Twitter x
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
âIâm going to have to ask you to leaveâ
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for adviceđ
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My kid said âdonât look at me,â and now itâs like my eyes are glued to her face and I canât look anywhere else.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Twitter basically:
Person: âThese socks are itchy.â
Other people:
âThatâs not true. I have socks that arenât itchy.â
âYou shouldnât generalize about socks.â
âSome people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.â
âFirst-world foot problems.â
âThe real problem is shoes.â
I never know how much to tip a cow.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldnât help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*