what does he know…
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Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.