Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
A Short Story.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam