Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
That’s amazing.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.