Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit