A collection of me turning into random objects.
You Might Also Like
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The two types of wives
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.