My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
You Might Also Like
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid