and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Things will get butter, keep churning
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”