EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*