Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
You Might Also Like
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Always a metermaid never a meter
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids