Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
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Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…