If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
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Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas