Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
this will hang in the louvre one day
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Möther may I have a snäck
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.