Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
For cardio I live beyond my means.
May never get over this
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.