Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
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Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that