My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
You Might Also Like
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns