‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.