Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.