People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
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I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.