girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
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You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Found the job I’m suited for
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”