The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
dam girl
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls