No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.