Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.