[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles