I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.