Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile