my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.