Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.