I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
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When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
We cut our bangs at dawn.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”