[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”