On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?