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[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it鈥檚 because his New Year鈥檚 resolution is to drink more water.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
i can鈥檛 believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス forgot how good the sims 4 is
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you鈥檇 think I birthed a moth.
If I鈥檓 a vampire, I鈥檓 going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don鈥檛 need air and there鈥檚 no sunlight? Let鈥檚 go.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“14 years, 拢20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”