There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.